BreakdownWe have a lot going on . . . lots of major unknowns hanging about in our life. Add that to the normal pressures of everyday life (being a mom, teacher to people who don't seem to care this semester, wife, keeper of the house - you get the picture) and you get a really weepy woman.
This weekend we went to see Scott's mom for Easter. On Saturday afternoon I just lost it - started crying to Scott's mom because:
- I am having a really difficult semester with lots of students who don't seem to care and lots of grading (I was actually going to figure out exactly how much grading I have to do, but I think I would not leave my house ever again if I actually knew how much). It all seems pointless.
- Within the last year, my butt has gotten so big. It used to be medium . . . now it is big.
- My house is dirty. I dusted some shelves a few weeks ago and it took a heroic effort to get the dust off - picture a power washer.
- of gas prices.
- of grocery prices - I spent $90 yesterday on like 4 bags . . . $20 on olive oil alone.
- I am not sure if I am spending enough quality time with Luca. Does he interact with a screen more than me? Am I a good mom?
- I don't exercise. See #2.
- My last haircut was a disaster. I still don't know what the stylist was thinking when he did what he did to my hair.
- of the uncertainty associated with international adoption. Will we actually complete our adoption from Kazakhstan? Will we meet our little Saskia? Will Luca go? If not, how will I ever be able to leave him for a minimum of 4 weeks?
- of global warming. It is NOT climate change.
- I wonder if I am being a good partner to my husband.
- of the war in Iraq and world peace.
- I am worried about everyone who is adopting from Kazakhstan right now and any troubles they have had.
- of the decreasing value of the dollar.
- of healthcare.
- I worry about feeding my family healthy meals.
- of feed lots and what they do to animals and the environment.
- I am worried about my flowers and the farms in our area - will we have another hard freeze late in the spring that destroys the fruit crop?
- of my dirty house AND the clutter . . . oh, the clutter!
- It is March and we had not heard about Scott's tenure decision. This is a big one - we had no idea if Scott was going to have to go on the job market next year. We had no idea if we would have to sell our house and move. Will Luca have to change schools? There are about a million things connected with this. We have been living in limbo for what feels like forever.
It just takes one thing . . . one little thing . . . to shift one's perspective
And, that is tenure. Scott received a letter from our provost/acting chancellor that informed him that he APPROVED HIS TENURE!
Can you hear the music? See and feel the confetti falling from the sky?
I always knew that he has worked hard and certainly deserves tenure. I was just waiting for administration to show that they know it as well. Finally, they did.
Now, we can put down some roots - figuratively and literally.Sigh.
13 comments:
Congratulations on tenure!!!! I know (oh, do I know) what a relief that is!
CONGRATS ON SCOTT'S TENURE! that is awesome news!!!!
I am sorry that you are stressing out right now. I can understand and relate to how you are feeling. However, when I feel the same way, I try to think of all the blessings I currently have in my life, and they do outweigh the uncertainty. The adoption thing is hard-and whether you vow to not let it get to you-of course it does anyway. How can it not? We know, we have to be strong, and flexible. I try to achieve that with yoga...strong and flexible, strong and flexible, strong and flexible. :)
You are a wonderful woman, with a loving family, and a wonderul teacher. No one ever realizes how much they appreciate their teachers until AFTER the fact. But, what you do adds so much value.
You will be a wonderful mom to "Saskia".
I will you with a verse that was assigned to me at camp when I was 13. My 13th year was a tough one-I had really low self esteem and zero confidence. At the end of camp, we all got bible verses specially picked for us. I have never forgotten mine, because it had a profound affect on me.
"I will thank thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made"
Even if you're not a religious person, you can take heart in that--you ARE fearfully and wonderfully made-and you are loved by many. :)
xooxxoox
Congratulations Angela!! So good to hear your and Scott's good news! Sorry you are feeling so stressed out - I know the feeling - just tell yourself that you will survive past this bout of sadness and stress and will feel good in a few days. I am sure Kaz adoptions are not over they just like to shake things up now and then and it drives everyone nuts and makes everyone wait a bit longer but eventually everyone works their way through the system and makes it to Kaz. And when you meet your child by the way you will thank God for this delay and that delay because it is because of those exact timing situations that your child will be there when you are there. Destiny and fate have their own timetable...for most of us in international adoption that timetable is set on slow. Go figure.
Wow! I hear you. First of all, CONGRATULATIONS to Scott, and also to you for supporting him in all the behind-the-scene ways it took for him to focus on getting this far.
No words of wisdom or platitudes. Only to say that I know not the "things" but I do know the feeling of having too many balls in the air. Before we traveled there was a period of a few weeks where nothing went right (not with the process, but with everything else) and I remember waking up one morning and my first words were, "Please God, take me out if this is not the path you want me to travel, but please, I can't handle anything more."
I must say that you are one of the strongest women I know. Not just "saying that" either. There have been times when I've felt intimidated by your strength, your confidence. Which is silly that I should feel that way, I know! It's something I greatly admire in you.
If nothing else, know that you are a very kind and giving friend, and that you are very appreciated.
Congratualtions on tenture. That is a major accomplishment. Make sure to take time to celebrate the good things and then maybe the rest won't seem as bad.
Julie
That's a looooong list of worries. I am glad you got some really good news. One less (really big) thing to worry about.
I have to address your worries about wondering if your son spends more time with a screen than you and if you are a good mom. I have the same worries. Then I stop and think about my older kids, and you know what? They are good people! Not just good kids, but good PEOPLE and that is important because that will carry with them for life. They are also independent, but also know they can count on me for anything. That is important too. I think those moms that spend every second of the day with their kids are going to have teenage and adult children someday... and I stress the children part. They are not going to know independence or how to function without help and direction from mommy. Kids need a little space from mom to develop into functioning people. It's okay if that time comes in front of a TV or a computer as long as the content is appropriate.
From the thinks I have read about Luca here on your blog... he sounds like a great kid and a good, smart person. That is the sign of a good mom to me!
Phew! Lots on your plate. You will get through it, just take small bites and chew slowly. Congratulations on tenure. That must be a load off. (Does this mean he gets to plan a cool sabbatical, by the way?)
Congratulations on Scott's tenure!
Ok, first things first. Stop worrying about the hair, it will grow back. :)
I am with you on global warming, the price of gas, peace, and the price of groceries! I wish we lived closer we could have a glass (or bottle) of wine and have a very good discussion on the status of this country! :)
At least we heard some good news out of Kaz today, right!
Sending you a virtual hug,
Kim
Congrats on tenure~I'm sure that's a huge relief and a well deserved reward. Plant those roots....
On the other note, I undrestand how overwhellming things can get. I've written about this myself, how it just feels like layer upon layer of stuff piling up. You have a lot going on and a lot of what's going on is BIG stuff. LIfe changing stuff. And it's out of your control stuff. And that stinks.
On another note: You've got big stuff going on-stuff that I'm sure is much bigger than your butt. (Lame attempt at humor)
(((hugs)))
A
Wonderful that you can now put down some roots...just in time for Saskia!
First congrats to Scott. Wonderful news for the two of you!
Secondly Angela....OMG....we worry about many of the same things :) Wahhh!!!
Eileen
Oh my - your list is "life" - all the tough parts and then...tada...a break! Congrats on the tenure and most importantly, that it means roots for you. That will make a huge difference in your lives. Focus on all the positives and it will get better and better.
Wow that's quite a list. Thank goodness you can cross off a big one--a big congratulations to Scott on making tenure. Very happy for you. And I'm sure you're a fabulous prof, mother, wife and friend.
Have faith.
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