Christmas with Grandma Jean & Grandan

Movies

I wanted to post, but don't have the time to write a proper one (too much time on Facebook . . . oh, and the holidays of course). Scott's mom came into town a few nights ago to give Christmas presents to us. I made this "movie" using Picasa - pretty cool, but I had problems uploading it to YouTube. I spent a few hours messing with that last night. I also love Picasa's touch-up tool . . . eliminate wrinkles and pimples in a flash!

There aren't a lot of photos of Alia because Luca was doing most of the gift opening while Alia looked on intently. It was pretty cute. Alia has had a very rough day or so. We think she has a tooth coming in that is really hurting her. Today, I thought I would take her for a long walk to the post office (it is 60 here). She cried the entire 50 minutes. It was like the night we went out to eat, but without the puking. There was gagging but no puking. I felt pretty inept. When Luca was that age and got upset, I nursed him . . . not an option now. Anyway, I hope that tooth comes through soon.

Thoughts for Thursday

Are You a Non-Mom?: I realize Teleflora corrected itself, but I can't believe they called adoptive mothers "non-Moms" to begin with!

Thoughts on becoming a mother through adoption: Poignant commentary on the complexities of adoption.

Maybe the 2nd link explains the 1st link. What do you think?

Open Your Ear and Say AH

Alia had her first encounter with the American healthcare system today. We went to the FACES clinic at Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital in St. Louis. I have to admit that I have been worried about the visit. Alia seems perfectly healthy and ontrack developmentally. I didn't want anyone raining on our parade. Yet, there have been some things that we were concerned about.

Alia grabs her ear a lot. I have heard this can be from teething, which she is certainly good at (#5 is coming in as of today). She also pulls her hair HARD when she gets stressed. If I pulled my hair that hard I would cry. Sometimes she smiles. She also repetitively "head-butts" the mattress (and my chest) before she goes to sleep sometimes. We also weren't sure where she was developmentally. Luca hasn't been 9 months for quite some time and I don't remember a lot. I also don't think I should use him a barometer - I guess his development can be best described as asynchronous. He had great verbal & social skills, some of his motor skills lagged behind. He was also huge in size - often hitting 100th percentile for weight and 80th-90th for height. He is still big. I think he could use that head of his as a weapon.

Anyway, the good news is that Alia is tracking at about 12 months for her development. The only thing lagging behind is her verbal skills which are at 7 months. She is growing nicely - she is in roughly the 50% range (using American growth charts). She is almost 20 pounds. She was 18 when they were in Almaty and now she is about 19 1/2.

The bad news is she has an ear infection - both ears are red and fluid-filled. So, that explains the ear grabbing. It also may explain the verbal lag. She may not be able to hear so well. So, amoxicillin, here we come. I have zero experience with ear infections. Luca has never had one. I am not sure how we dodged that childhood bullet with him, but we did. I am amazed at how content she has been despite the raging ear infection. Maybe it is just her normal, but I have heard that ear infections can cause a lot of pain. You just wouldn't know it.

The hair pulling and head-butting are institutional behavior. The doctor suggested replacing the aggressive behavior with a gentle one. That never occurred to me, but makes perfect sense. So, no more hair pulling. Hair stroking - not pulling.

I won't mention the blood draw which still makes me dizzy to think about.

Oh Christmas Tree

I have to admit that I woke up on Sunday morning wondering how we would cut down a Christmas tree, get it home and decorate it within a day. Things seem to take a bit longer to do with 2. But, ye have little faith! We actually went to the Christmas tree farm where we discovered only 5' foot tall Christmas trees after squeezing on a trailer with 4 other families and being plopped in the middle of a field. We left the Christmas tree farm without a tree. Thankfully our high school band had a fundraiser and the perfect tree was right there. It took all of 5 minutes to pay for it and strap it to the top of the car. So, we went TWO places for a tree and decorated it all on Sunday.

In addition to all the ornaments we have collected and been given over the past 20 years, we hung some ornaments from Kazakhstan on our tree. All the while little Alia yelled with glee. Us too . . . us too.

Giving Thanks

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, 'thank you,' that would suffice." - Meister Eckhart

A Tooth and a Cookie

I have been searching for a quote by the artist Marcel Duchamp which is taped to my computer at school. No luck so far. Anyway, the gist of it is don't let your opinions or the opinions of others interfere with what you do.

Yesterday, I was reminded of the wisdom of this quote yet again.

A Tooth: Alia

When I think back on yesterday, it seems like Alia was whining all day. In reality, I doubt she was, but that was what it felt like. And, quite honestly and irrationally, I take the whining personally. Despite all I have read and thought about to prepare myself for the first few months home, I still feel unequipped to deal with these feelings of inadequacy and responsibility for Alia's occasional lack of contentedness. In brief, I take the whining personally. No - this is not wise . . . but this seems to be the reflex in that female brain of mine. It says - "Keep the peace. Keep everyone happy at all costs." I read part of this great book that explained this reflex. Historically, women's' survival depended on maintaining relationships, so typically we have this deep-seated need to do so.

So, I hear the whining and my mind ponders entirely too much. "She doesn't like me. She doesn't like it here. I am not doing a good job . . . " and so forth.

Well, guess what I found today? A big tooth coming in . . . one of her front ones. Do you think maybe that is part of the reason she was somewhat cranky yesterday? This is not to say that she is not still adjusting. She is. She will be. But, I do think that the tooth was hurting her.

A Cookie: Luca

Earlier in the week, Luca asked to play with a friend of his this weekend. I spoke with her mom yesterday morning and we made plans to go to a library program (featuring Sir Kwain - one of 200 knights living in the U.S.) in the afternoon, then go have dessert at a coffeehouse. Both Luca and I were excited about the outing. He was happy to be seeing his friend and her mom (who he likes at least as much as the friend) and I was glad to have some time with Luca and our friends. As I have written, he has been so great about Alia. We are trying to make sure he has some time with us and that everything does not revolve around his baby sister.

The library program was great. Luca and his friend sat in the front row listening to Sir Kwain tell crazy knight stories. They went up and knocked on his armor afterwards. They also decorated cardboard swords. Luca was so awesome. I think he was scared of the knight at first. I looked over at him and he was tearing up when Sir Kwain took his place, but then he realized it was safe and he was a good guy. Luca also did the craft enthusiastically, which he typically does not want to do.

All was good.

Then we went to Longbranch and things fell apart. I had no idea why which was scary for me. Luca went from having a good time to completely checking out. He would not do what I asked him to. He would not answer questions or speak intelligibly. He was obstinate and difficult . . . this behavior is pretty unusual for him and it came out of nowhere. I couldn't leave because we got a ride with our friends. So, I tried to reason with him as well as control the situation. This only seemed to make the behavior worse.

When we got in the car, my friend asked how he was doing in school . . . if he behaved like that there. She also said that it seemed like he didn't have any control over what he was doing - that he wasn't acting that way to get my goat. This worried me even more. When Luca started Pre-K, his teacher suggested to us that he had Asperger's Syndrome, which is a form of mild autism. He was tested and found out that wasn't the case, but I have lingering worries.

We got home and I asked him what was wrong - "I don't know," he said. By this time, I am feeling defeated and worried. Alia seemed upset. And now Luca had this strange meltdown . . .

Today he climbed in bed with us at his usual time - yes, around 5:30 a.m. For some reason, this is the time he reveals things to us . . . during the wee hours of the morning.

"Mom, I decided to act silly yesterday because I didn't get a cookie." Yes, of course . . . it was the cookie. When we ordered, he was indecisive. I could have even rushed him. He did not get the treat he wanted. Of course, that was it. He barely ate the mint brownie and hot chocolate that he said he wanted. Luca is serious about his treats. No, it's not autism or some inexplicable involuntary behavior . . . he was pissed because he didn't get a cookie.

All of this is so simple . . . cutting teeth, not getting a cookie. It is really very simple. Stop thinking so much.

P.S. Today is Alia's 9 month birthday! She will be 1 before we know it!

Coming Up on 4 Weeks

Hanging with Dad wearing a sweater my friend Stacey knitted for her

How could that be?

Sorry for the lack of any significant post. Things are going well. Alia is settling in and seems more and more comfortable every day.

I love this photo of her on the plane sitting next to Grandma Jean

Sleeping
Alia is sleeping like a champ. It seems like that is the most common question I get from people - especially other moms. She did not get a lot of sleep on the flights over. They arrived home in the evening. Scott handed her over to me at the airport and she fell asleep almost immediately. She slept all the way home and through the night that first night. She usually sleeps from 8 to 8 with a morning nap (where she is right now) and an afternoon nap. Alia does seem to sleep a lot. Luca did too. I think he was well over 1 before he gave up his morning nap and continued to take an afternoon nap until this summer. But, Alia is also used to spending most of her time in a crib in a hospital where I am sure she did a lot of sleeping. I have also read that babies who are adopted are grieving their old life and overwelmed by their new to a degree, so they sleep to cope.

Yogurt on the first morning home wearing a really cute outfit from Aunt Nicole

Eating
Alia started regularly eating solids when she came home. I cannot believe how quickly she took to being fed with a spoon. She is even learning how to pick up her own food and put it in her mouth (with limited success, but she is getting there). Her pincer grasp is getting better and better.

Last night she ate lentil minestrone that had not been pureed. She easily gums most solids. She has also had kale potato frittata and whole green beans. I continue to be amazed that she doesn't shy away from different textures and seems to have no swallowing issues. She has about 3 bottles of formula a day as well. I am not sure what she weighs now - she was 18 lb while we were visiting her and 20 lb in Almaty. We have not been to the doctor yet. We have an appointment with our pediatrician and FACES adoption clinic in St. Louis next month.

Play
Alia has been clapping the last few days. It is so cute because she basically just hits the back of one hand with the palm of her other. But, she does it so earnestly. She sits on a play mat and sticks most toys in her mouth. She does seem to prefer this big stuffed spider she had with her in Kazakhstan. She also enjoys her exersaucer and Baby Einstein DVDs. Luca also loves these and picks out which one they watch together.

Scott is convinced she has book preferences - Boynton books are in, Jamberry is out.

We have taken some walks and she also likes to do housework with me strapped in the Baby Bjorn.

Grandpa Andy and Grandma Annetta holding Alia for the first time

Emotional Development
The first few weeks Alia was home she seemed anxious and pensive. Her happy babble disappeared and was replaced by a whine. I have to admit that was hard for me to cope with. She was home - I wanted her to be content. I know in my mind that of course she is going to be anxious. How could she not be? But, my heart still hurt for both of us.

Every day she becomes more and more comfortable with us. There are increasingly more smiles. The last week or so she has taken to yelling and squealing happily.

There have been some really difficult moments like this past Saturday night. My mom and stepfather were in town to see us, so Scott and I decided we would put Alia to bed and go out to celebrate our anniversary. Well, she wasn't completely asleep when we left and was basically up with my mom the whole time we were gone. Alia kept it together when she was with my mom, but she refused to go to sleep. When we got home, she just lost it. She was crying so hard that I was scared. She threw up several times because she was so upset. On top of this she has a cold. Anyway, we did not need a trip to the emergency room - which I thought about - in the end. We got her to settle down and go to sleep, but it was scary and traumatic. In retrospect, we should have made sure she was completely asleep when we left. I also realized she had a long day full of new people and stimulus and she was just completely overwelmed. Scott aptly described her state of mind as fragile. We are her constant source of security. When we aren't there she must feel like she is free falling through space with nothing to hang onto.

Overall, she seems to be doing pretty well. All of this is a process - creating bonds, deepening our love and attachment. I just have to remember that.

Big Brother
Luca has been amazing. He genuinely loves Alia and being a big brother. He remains his happy-go-lucky self. "Alia cute! Alia funny!" is a constant refrain of his. I asked him how he felt about Alia being home last night and he said "Good!, but I want to feed her more."

Since we decided not to take him to Kazakhstan with us, I was worried about how he would react when we dropped a little sister into his life. We talked about the adoption, but the physical presence of a growing pregnant belly wasn't there to remind him every day. He had been an only child for so long . . . I wondered how he would do sharing the spotlight. So far, so good.

Thanks for the emails checking on us. I plan to write back soon! Also I will add photos later - Scott has the camera right now.

First Week (or two) Home

Brother & sister (note hand shoved in mouth = teething)

Going for a walk (and Alia thought she was going to escape the attack of the snowsuit here in America - nope)

Polenta anyone? Alia picked up eating solids like she has been doing it all her life. So far, she has had applesauce, Yo Baby yogurt (just like Leeza Serra), squash (a hard sell!), sweet potatoes (she has gotten in the habit of squealing every time she gets a spoonful), avocado, blue cheese polenta, roasted potatoes. Check out the tummy!

I will fill in the blanks later this week!

A New Beginning

Alia and Luca on an historic election night

I can't think of a better event to take place during Alia's first week as a U.S. citizen. President-elect Barack Obama is living proof that the American Dream is alive and well. He and American voters have proven that anyone can succeed in this country regardless of race or ethnicity. This is the country I want to raise Alia and Luca in . . . this is the one. I haven't been able to say that for 8 years.

Pinch me again.

P.S. "First week home" post coming soon!

Shhhhhh . . .

Alia is sleeping. This morning my whole body felt as if it was going to explode. Tonight, it is just my heart. Truly. As I stood next to Alia's crib and listened to Scott moving about the house, my heart felt like it expanded 10 times over.

Then, Luca stepped out of his room and asked me if Alia was sleeping. I said, "Yes, do you want to come in and see?" Yes . . . so he peeked in her crib and looked up at me and whispered, "Is she comfortable?" My heart then expanded 10 more times.

Pinch me.

Alia has Landed...in Chicago

[Scott here]

We have arrived in the States! Alia became a U.S. citizen the moment our plane landed. I made sure to shake her hand and give her a big salute to commemorate the occasion!

We are sitting at Gate C4 right now waiting to catch the 4:15 flight to St. Louis, where we will find Angela and Luca waiting to welcome us home. Only a short trip to Carbondale, and our own beds!

Waiting . . .

[Angela here]

I am anxious so I thought I would share my anxiety with you, dear blog readers.

I have checked arrival information for the Almaty-Frankfurt leg of the flight a few times. It is delayed by about 10 minutes. They only have an 1 hour 40 minute layover in Frankfurt. Scott is going to try to get one of those shuttles to take them to their gate - I would say grandma and baby qualify. I hope that Alia is serene Alia not freaked out Alia. I am sure they are all going to be exhausted regardless.

I still don't believe that they are finally coming home. I feel like I am preparing for a very special house guest. I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that Alia and Scott will be here, sleeping in their respective beds tomorrow night.

I spoke with Scott this morning and he sounded pretty worn out. He and his mom have been such troopers. I can't say that enough. I am so pround of them. Scott's mom Jean has never been outside of North America . . . and here she is spending 4 weeks in Kazakhstan.

Scott is an amazing father and husband. I know it has been hard for him to be away. He is most definitely a creature of habit. He has not complained once about being gone once. We miss him horribly.

I am rambling . . . full of nervous energy. I just can't think of anything else.

Coming Home...

We have Alia’s visa! We can come home now!

Went to the U.S. Consulate this afternoon, along with two other WPA families. We paid our money, and went up to the window, signed a few papers, got Alia’s passport, birth certificate, and adoption certificate back, as well as a super-secret folder THAT MUST BE KEPT SEALED until we arrive in the U.S. We’re then supposed to hand it over to the Immigration folks. Took us about 30 minutes, and that was only because there were at least three other adoptive families in line ahead of us, in addition to all of us WPA folks.

Went back to the sisters’ office for an exit interview/debriefing. Kind of tough to finalize payments and listen to what I was being told about the papers Gulzhan was giving me because all of the women were trying to play with Alia, who was sitting in my lap the whole time. They were talking to her in Russian, squeezing her cheeks, fawning over her outfit, the whole bit. And she met all of the attention with a scowl. “I don’t know you people, and I don’t much care for your attempts to curry my favor through baby talk and peek-a-boo!”

Vitalii is due to pick us about in about two hours and take us to the airport. After that, we’ll be out of touch until late Thursday. So glad to be bringing Alia home with me to see Angela and meet Luca. Can’t wait to settle down for a while and get back to family life, complete with our daughter.

Open up and Say Ahhhhh.....

[Scott here again]

Well, today we went to visit the International Clinic to get Alia's medical check-up for the Embassy. I'll admit that I was definitely not looking forward to this day. Alia is very suspicious of strangers to begin with, and does not much care to be held by anyone she does not know well, much less poked and prodded by some strange doctor. Needless to say, I was not looking forward to the visit.

We arrived a few minutes early for our appointment and were almost immediately taken by a nurse to get Alia’s weight and length. Alia didn’t much care for being placed on the scale or stretched out to get measured, but she calmed down quickly after they gave her back to me. We thought that she had been gaining weight, if the chubbiness of her cheeks is any guide, and that was confirmed today, as she weighed in at 18 ¼ pounds. When we weighed her in Kokshetau, she was close to 16 pounds, so she’s been doing well. She is also about 27 inches long. Both measurements are well within normal parameters.

The nurse then took us straight upstairs to see the doctor – a nice Kazakh or Russian woman. I’ve heard that the doctors at the Clinic come from all over the world, so I’m guessing that she could have been from elsewhere. I fully expected a lengthy exam with blood being drawn and shots. Well, the doctor looked in her ears, her nose, listened to her heart and lungs, and…that’s it! Nothing more! I was so stunned when she told us we could leave, I just gathered up Alia and away we went. No questions asked. We were in the Clinic for perhaps 20 minutes at the most. The visit was even shorter than I expected because I left without paying! No wonder it was so quick! Janara called from the Agency to tell us that we had forgotten to pay about 30 minutes later (I realized it once we got back to the apartment, but after Vitalii had left). Vitalii was gracious enough to come back to the apartment and offered to go pay the Clinic. So, I gave him the money and he went and took care of it for us. Later in the afternoon I went out for a walk and was just aimlessly wandering around town when I looked up and realized that I was right in front of the Clinic. I went in and apologized to them for the mistake earlier in the day and we all had a nice laugh.

We went out for dinner again tonight - this time to Govinda's a vegetarian restaurant operated by the Hari Krishna community in Almaty. When we lived in St. Louis, I loved to go to the Govinda's run by the Krishna's there, so I was excited to be trying out a Krishna vegetarian meal 8,000 miles away from the last one. I was not disappointed. The food was excellent and reasonably priced. I had a potato/cauliflower/cheese dish and mom had a potato spinach dish. We also had a couple of samosas and an order of fried bread stuffed with potatoes (noticing a theme here?). It was very nice to get out and enjoy a good meal. Alia sat quietly and played with (chewed on) her toys. She really does so well when we go out.

Tomorrow, we have an appointment at the Embassy at 3:00, and then...WE GET TO COME HOME! Our flight leaves Almaty at 2:35 Thursday morning, and the get into Carbondale late Thursday afternoon. Cannot wait!

Almaty at Last!

[from Scott who is in Almaty with Alia & Jean, his mom]

Well, we all landed safely in Almaty Sunday night and got to the apartment fine, thanks to our driver, Vitalii. Alia was a real trooper. We started the day with a four hour car ride from Kokshetau to Astana on some roads that were in serious disrepair. They are doing some major construction on the main road from Astana to Kokshetau, and in a couple of years, it will be at least three lanes in each direction of brand new smooth highway. But, for now, you make do. Alia did well on the flight, but she hadn't had much sleep in the car and that caught up with her, and made for an unhappy baby for a bit, but she was able to sleep for a while on the plane. In all, I'm amazed at how well she handled everything - the long car ride, being around so many people in public, the flight, and not getting to bed until almost ten o'clock that night. She's resilient, that's for sure.

We are staying in a very nice two bedroom apartment in a high rise apartment complex (complete with elevator - thank you Altynbyaev Sisters!) about a two blocks South of the Children's Palace and only a few blocks from the Sisters' office. Vitalii took us straight to Janara's home last night to give her our paperwork so that she could get started on it. Then, after he dropped us off at the apartment, he took me to the Ram Store to buy groceries. It is right next to the sister's office and well within walking distance if we need to restock before we leave.

Today, Vitalii picked us up and we went to a photo shop and had Alia’s picture taken for her Visa, and then went over to the Sisters’ office to complete some paperwork. I have to admit that it was a little difficult to work with all of the women coming into the conference room to fawn over Alia. She’s a tough sell though. She is still very skeptical of anyone new getting too close to her, and will scowl at anyone trying to get her to smile or laugh. That’s still reserved for Mom and Dad.

This afternoon, while mom and Alia napped, Vitalii took me to the Tsum store. It doesn’t seem right to think of it as a single store. It’s like lots of little vendors in a big department store sized building. The first floor is all electronics and home appliances. Today was a holiday, so it may have been more crowded than normal, but it was amazing to watch all the people buying cell phones. There were cases and counters like you might find at a jewelers, packed with cell phones. And each of those counters was crowded with people clamoring to buy one.

The second floor is mostly clothes, and it was significantly less crowded. I headed up to the third floor, where you can buy everything from a crystal chandelier to hand woven wool rug, to a fermented milk container made from horse hide. I spent A LOT of time on the third floor buying souvenirs. I think I’m going to go back tomorrow!

This evening, we got adventurous and went out to the street corner and hailed a taxi to take us to dinner. I read that you can just stand on a street corner in Almaty and within a minute or two a cab will stop and take you anywhere you want to go in town for a couple of bucks. Well, I put my hand up, and some nice couple in a Mercedes pulled over, because they thought I was in some kind of distress, I suppose. After realizing that they were indeed not a taxi service, and I was not in need of assistance, they went on. We did finally hail a taxi and went to Mad Murphy’s Irish Pub, for a little familiar atmosphere and food. We had a very nice time, and it is reminiscent of pubs you would see back in the States, but you pay for that atmosphere. I had shared some of mom’s fries (very good), and had probably the most odd (imaginative?) vegetarian lasagna anywhere. After it was reheated (frozen solid in the middle), it wasn’t too bad, but it definitely would take some getting used to. Alia sat in the booth next to me and chewed on her bath book version of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, and responded not at all to the women at nearby tables who were trying to get her attention.

Tomorrow, we take Alia for her medical visit and shots, and then the Embassy on Wednesday afternoon. Our flight leaves Almaty at 2:30 in the morning on Thursday. We’ll try to take the tram up to Kok Tube, and I’ll probably do some walking around town in the next couple of days. Hope to update you soon.

Life Goes On

This summer I read an excerpt from Elizabeth MacCracken's An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir. I almost got down on my knees and thanked whoever it was that put that article into my hands. MacCracken's first son was stillborn. She captured what it is to live with neonatal loss like noone else I have encountered.

She wrote, simply, life goes on and so does death.

There is no handbook for life after the loss of babies. I know because I desparately tried to find it. The closest thing I came to was Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking which is about the sudden death of the writer's husband and her daughter's sudden and seemingly inexplicable, grave illness. The "loss of children" books that I read never addressed continuing to live with the loss of such tiny children. One author wrote that people who experienced neonatal loss involving multiples had a whole slew of other issues she would not deal with in this particular book. So, I groped my way through grief, anger, rage, sadness, blame, shame, despair sometimes with grace, much of the time not. All the while I got up everyday and functioned - much of the time on autopilot - but I was functioning I assured myself. My internal voice often said, "I have always gotten out of bed! I have never stayed in bed depressed!"

But, I was doing some pretty nutty stuff . . .

. . . like drinking very little water. I used to drink lots of water. You know, because it is supposed to be really good for you. When I was in the hospital fighting the infection that took the lives of Hope, Meret and Annalisa, the nurses and doctor encouraged me to drink as much water as I could to keep the fever down and I am not sure what else. I drank gallons of water - no exaggeration. It was the only thing I felt I could control. It didn't work, so I boycot it now.

I have been hanging on to a giftcard that graduate students in Scott's department so generously chipped in to buy us once our pregnancy with triplets was public knowledge. I have had that card for 3 1/2 years. I have not known what to do with it. At one point I thought we would donate it to our Women's Center. At another I had the idea of buying books for our public library in their names. I even thought we could use it for our next child, but then thought that that would not be fair somehow.

All these seemed like perfectly okay ideas, but at the same time none of them felt right. And, that really has been the theme here. What does one do after three babies die anyway? A lot does not feel right. I received a flyer for a children's book drive today so I am back to buying books for book drive with the giftcard. At least I think I can actually do something with it now.

My dayplanner used to be the biggest I have ever seen - truly. Inside I had elaborate grids and calendars to plan out my weeks and months with multiple colored pens to keep track of my progress. My life was divided into sections a la Stephen Covey - Partner, Family Member, Lecturer - so that I always knew what had to be done. I all but burned that thing after the babies died. It just felt so pointless keeping track of all this minutia. I started to wing it. I skipped birthdays and stopped sending thank you cards (gratitude?! not so much). I didn't return emails or phone calls. I didn't clean the house. Stuff piled up. I cared but didn't at the same time.

There is more . . . I just can't think of all the ways this loss has been incorporated into the very fiber of my being. I guess by hanging on to all these habits, quirks and feelings I have been keeping the triplets present in our everyday life somehow. I tried to not let life go on - to grind my heels into the ground - because how could it?

What I was waiting for was someone to say was that death goes on. I didn't know that is what I needed to know until I read it. I did know that I was full of grief and self-blame and could not figure out where I could put it. There is a great song by Beck call Missing and one of the lines is "I can't believe these tears were mine. I'll give them to you to put away in a box." I think that's what I thought was going to allow life to go on - putting the deaths of Hope, Meret and Annalisa away in a box.

Here's the thing - the more I have tried to box everything up, the more life does not go on.

So, on this rainy October day, a week before Scott and Alia come home, I remember Hope, Meret and Annalisa . . . and not only their deaths, but their lives as well. There have been so many times throughout this process of adopting Alia when I have felt their little souls were there with us. And, for that I am grateful to them.

It's Officially Official

First visit less than 2 months ago

Yesterday

Look at how Alia has changed! It brings tears to my eyes!

Scott has the papers to prove she is officially Alia Reinoehl Comparato. Touch down is only 9 days plus a few hours away - October 30th. Can . . . . not . . . . . wait!

Tick Tock

[Scott here - Hi Everybody!]

Well, it's been a long wait, but it has now been 15 days since we went to court to adopt Alia. We haven't heard anything, so we have to take that as a good sign that no one has come forward to challenge the adoption and that Alia is now legally our daughter!

I apologize for not posting to the blog earlier but...well, I guess I'm just not as into keeping up on the blog as much as Angela. I apologize to some of our regular readers looking for an adoption-related blog fix, but hey, I've been changing diapers and fixing formula for two weeks!

Honestly, the last two weeks taking care of Alia have been wonderful. She's a tremendous little girl. It's amazing to see the progress she's made since we first met her at the Baby Hospital. When we first picked her up, her hands were just frozen, balled up, little fists. And her muscles were so atrophied it took an effort on our part to straighten her arms and legs. And she was silent - made not a sound. She just watched - watched us with an intensity you couldn't imagine from a 6 month old baby. The depth of her stare was striking, with her dark eyes following us wherever we moved around the room, studying every feature of our faces.

But within a few days, her muscles began to loosen up more and more as we did little stretching exercises with her. We brought in toys - stacking cups and a rattle - and she started to grasp them in her hands. And she started to talk. She'd coo and giggle when we'd play with her. She'd smile at us from the crib as we entered the room every day. The progress we saw in her was remarkable.

Now that we've had her here at the cottage with us the last two weeks, those changes have continued at a rapid pace. She now grabs onto everything! Trying to talk to Angela and Luca on Skype with Alia in my lap is a distinct challenge since Alia thinks that the usb cord to the headset is a toy to be played with, pulled on, and put in her mouth. Kind of hard to talk when a baby is trying to pull the receiver out of your hand, or slobbering on it.


Overall, her motor skills are developing really well. She's a strong kid! She can roll over without any trouble, and is trying her hardest to crawl. She just can't seem to get the timing down. She'll push with one leg, but she isn't lifting her belly up, so nothing happens. She does push with her arms, so she tends to move backwards. We have also been putting her in the walker for a little while each day (someone was kind enough to leave one here in the cottage along with A LOT of toys), and she is starting to discover that she can put some weight on her legs. Not pushing herself around yet, but I don't think it will be long. She also sits up on her own, which she could not do when we brought her home from the hospital. She just couldn't balance, but she's doing very well at it now.


And her vocal abilities have...improved, to put it mildly. She is babbling, cooing, gurgling, squeaking, and laughing all the time. However, having discovered her voice, she is also learning how to use it to get our attention when she wants something from us. She is certainly not shy about letting us know what she wants and when she wants it. I fear that this may be a pattern that will continue through her teen years.


My mom has been a tremendous help with Alia. I cannot say enough about how helpful and good natured she's been about everything. I guess 'smitten' would be the best way to describe how mom feels about Alia. It's very gratifying to see how happy she is for Angela and I, and how much she enjoys Alia. I'll post more about mom specifically in the future, but I'm very glad that she agreed to come along and help.

We'll be in Kokshetau another week, and then it's off to Almaty for medical exams and paperwork. I'll try to post more frequently over that time.

Meet Alia

All of the above are from the first day we met Alia.

This was a common sight during the first week or so. Our last few days, she wasn't interested in naps anymore.

The big event during visits - kefir!

And, of course, there is reading - this is one of my favorite photos. Now you can see why Serena would be a good name for her as well.

Snuggling with Dad - another favorite activity

Laugh caught on camera! A miracle!

One of our family pictures for court - how could the judge say no?

He said yes! Last photo in the hospital - paka!

First (and last for a while) bath - not a happy baby!

I bought this outfit when we submitted our dossier. It is perfect for our little Alia . . . except she will probably grow out if it before she gets home!

Hanging around the cottage

Out for a walk

Paka. Next stop - HOME!