ALMOST Ready

Frus-ta-rated
This is how Luca says "frustrated." That's what I am definitely feeling right now. Everything is half-done, in between, not quite.

Today I finished When Things Fall Apart, which I loved for a multitude of reasons. One of the most important ones is that Buddhism seems to be a spiritual practice to which I can most relate. I have not been too terribly sure about religion for a long, long time. I found it too simplistic to say that there is no order to the universe, there is no spiritual dimension, yet I could not embrace any organized religion.

In this book, Pema Chodron, the Abbot of a Tibetan Buddhist Abby in Canada, suggests that things do and will and should fall apart and feel chaotic. And people are better served if they don't push away these experiences and feelings that accompany the experiences. She suggests feeling whatever you feel and by doing this you are being kind to yourself. If you are kinder to yourself, you will be kinder to others. So much of what she wrote about applies to my life right at this moment.

In almost exactly 3 weeks, we are getting on a plane and flying to Kazakhstan to meet our daughter. And, right now, things feel like they are falling apart . . . or have fallen apart and are not going to be put back together any time soon.

At this very moment, I am frus-ta-rated by the falling apart. I am trying to FEEL the frustration rather than push it away :). We were out of town, which I will cover in a later post, and I expected to come back to some lovely blue & orange FedEx envelopes with Apostilled documents. No luck. I also received a letter from our mortgage company that said they would get to our request for verification in - OH - 20 days (see above - 3 weeks!).

We haven't booked our tickets. We haven't purchased gifts. Everything else feels like it is scattered in the wind. Will it come back together again?

It did for Susan, right?! I am so happy for the amazing Serra Family who has met their newest member, the impish Leeza! Congratulations, Susan, Joe & Sean! And, Regina has Milo full-time now.

This is all good! Everything comes together in the end!

Thoughts on chaos

"Chaos should be regarded as extremely good news." - Trungpa Rinpoche, Tibetan Buddhist teacher

Gratitude

An intense version of some sort of feeling emerges everyday - elation, excitement, paralyzing fear . . . and now gratitude.

I almost wept when the secretary at our Edward Jones office said that "Saskia" has a great mom, dad and big brother. One of my colleagues offered to rearrange her class schedule to teach one of my classes in my absence. That didn't work out so one of my graduate assistants has agreed to take on the responsibility of lecturing to my 150 student class! Another colleague is covering my other class for the entire time we are gone. The only thing she asked for in return is a batch of the decadent New York Times chocolate chip cookies. I can do that! And our social worker - I emailed her today for an home study update - she's sending it tomorrow.

Our agency and coordinator have been so great. Obviously we wouldn't be sitting here a month away from travel without them. So far, everything has happened as they have promised.

And, everyone around here is offering to do stuff with Luca while we are gone. Kami (the best caretaker ever who is busy being pregnant with her own (first) child) offered to come down and visit. Our friends here have offered visits and playdates. And, of course, my mom is coming down here to take care of our boy for weeks.

And the adoption and blogging community has been fabulous as well. Everyone is so willing to share anything they have and know. I have been fortunate to know two adoptive moms who have been great mentors. Alison helped me through all that paperwork and frustration last fall. Jennifer M. has prepared me for the joys and challenges of being an adoptive mother and helped me understand how our agency and the process works. She is also an amazing friend.

There are obviously many, many more people who have helped us through this entire process. I just want to say how grateful we are.

Separation Anxiety

I could probably write a post everyday until we leave. The tone of each post would most likely be completely different - a little like Sybil :). Take this past weekend - I felt nothing but excitement and elation. Every once in a while I looked at Scott with a goofy smile on my face and said, "We have travel dates. We have TRAVEL DATES!" I skipped around town buying luggage and clothes. We had dinner together on Friday night with legal pad in hand so we could make lists and designate tasks. They were days filled with happiness and motivation.

But, take yesterday . . . nothing but tears, fears and paralysis. Now you may think . . . I know I definitely think "Isn't this what you have been waiting for? This is it! Check those fears at the door." We started talking seriously about adoption years ago - in February of 2006 to be exact. We have actively pursued adoption from Kazakhstan since early last spring when we contacted our agency and requested that first piece of paper from some government official - our marriage license which was, of course, too old to use by the time we submitted our dossier. We have been anticipating travel dates for more than a year. The momentous event has arrived - this is it and I am petrified.

Why? In a word, Luca.

Luca will stay here with his grandma because it really is the best thing for all involved. He starts (bi-lingual) kindergarten the week before we leave. I just cannot imagine taking him out for roughly a month almost immediately. I don't think taking him on bonding visits is even an option. It would be a rough trip for him and probably a rougher one for us. My rational, analytic brain knows it is the best thing . . . but my heart . . . my heart says something completely different.

I have been away from Luca for - Oh - maybe 5 nights in the almost 5 years we have been lucky enough to have him as part of our lives. He has not gone to day care. The last year or so he has started to do more activities outside of our home like Grown-Up's Night Out a couple of nights a month and camps at our Science Center. But, most of our time is spent together. And, now, we will be gone a month . . . GULP!

I know he will have fun with my mom and this separation will probably encourage some more independence . . . and we are going to meet his baby sister-to-be after all. But this is still so very difficult.

According to Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain,

"The changes that happen in the mommy brain are the most profound and permanent of a woman's life. For as long as her child is living under her roof, her GPS system of brain circuits will be dedicated to tracking that beloved child. Long after the grown baby leaves the nest, the tracking device continues to work. Perhaps this is why so many mothers experience intense grief and panic when they lose day-to-day contact with the person their brain tells them is an extension of their own reality."

That explains it.

Shifting the Boundary of My Being

"Nothing can explain this adventure—lets say a quirk of fortune steered us together—we made our covenants, began this odyssey of ours, by hunch and guess work, a blind date where foolish love consented in advance. . . Gratuitous, beyond our fathoming, both binding and freeing, this love re-invades us, shifts the boundaries of our being." ~ from Out of the Blue by Michael O’ Siadhail

I read the above quote in the comment section on another blog a few months ago. Thanks for having such well-read, insightful friends, Susan B-T!

I have been thinking about this quote all day today - as I went to pick up a piece of luggage and some clothes for the trip. There is this feeling of preparing for one of the most significant meetings of my lifetime - Scott, then Luca and now "Saskia". It is indescribable. It makes my heart flutter and tears come to my eyes.

The Lucky Pink Shirt

Earlier this week we received an adorable t-shirt from Shannon and Alexa. How sweet is that? Even though the card said "Saskia", we couldn't wait so Luca opened the package. He immediately observed that it wouldn't fit him :), but he believes that it will look good on "Saskia."

It seems this shirt has brought a bit of good news with it . . . WE HAVE OUR TRAVEL DATES! We should be headed to Kazakhstan at the end of August! It is hard to believe. No LOI yet, but we have dates . . . we have DATES!

You can be sure the lucky shirt will be going with us! Have shirt, will travel.

Swimming in Paper

I am a few papers away from being done with grading for my summer class. WHEW! For motivation, I promised myself I could order a pair of sandals when I am done. Cute, huh? I wonder how they will hold up on the Steppes of Kazakhstan :).

It seems the theme for this month will be paper. Just to be safe, I am redoing a lot of our dossier. Most of it will be a year old in September and October. I was really dreading doing this, but when you've done it once, the second time around is much easier.

I started this blog a little less than a year ago. After our first home study visit, I felt confidant that this adoption from a country on the other side of the planet could actually happen, so I took the leap and put myself out there in virtual space.

I never imagined the kind of support and friendships it could bring me. A simple thank you seems inadequate - fireworks should explode, balloons should fall from the ceiling, confetti should fly through the air.

Perhaps, we can do all this when "Saskia" is home :).

Alright, alright . . . ALRIGHT

We really are a CURIOUS bunch, aren't we?

I came across that image yesterday - it accompanied a good article on worrying which I was doing, but it wasn't associated with our adoption really. I didn't even think about the title of Susan's post announcing great news from a few weeks ago.

So, here I am - unwittingly outing myself.

We do know our region. The funny thing is that we have known it for a while now! The timing was a miracle. I was pretty low, doing lots of doubting and POOF! we knew something. In keeping with the espionage and intrigue of Kazakhstan adoption (there IS a dossier involved here, you know), I won't actually post about our region until we are there. Sorry - top secret :)!

Keep the faith!

P.S. To mark the occasion, I created a poll on the right. Some of you know that Luca came up with the name Saskia. Some friends think we should keep it, some don't. What do you think?