Home Away from Home

We have been home for a little more than a week. Another AP wrote that coming home during the process makes it feel even more surreal. I completely agree. I can't really wrap my head around the fact that we were in Kazakhstan just LAST week and that there is a spritely little girl there waiting for us to come back to bring her home.

I don't have words to describe the jet-lag. I actually remember very little from this last week. Unfortunately, I do remember my class on Tuesday afternoon. I felt like I drank a bottle of vodka, swallowed a few sleeping pills, then tried to teach a class about women artists and the rise of the Academy in 18th century Europe. I had no recall . . . I couldn't find words . . . I couldn't comprehend questions . . . I was confused.

I also recall that I have experienced such emotional extremes - I can only guess that these are fueled by jet-lag as well as the rollercoaster that international adoption is. When we arrived home, I felt such immense relief. I couldn't stop picking up our 50 lb. boy and covering him with kisses. I reveled in the familiar, mundane sights of our home. I smiled at the things that drove me crazy just 3 weeks ago. I can't help but think of the scene from "It's a Wonderful Life" when George Bailey came home from seeing what the world would be without him. He grabbed the newell post as he was bounding up the stairs to greet his kids and the top came off in his hand. Instead of cursing it, he kissed it. I felt the same about the odds and ends and what I perceived to be imperfections about our house and its contents. All of these things and people make up a life that I love and missed.

Then over the weekend I felt sheer terror about getting back on all those planes - I don't love flying.

I soon got over that and moved on to this overwelming sense of gratitude - I was so grateful for Alia; for the opportunity to adopt this little girl; for all the support we have received from family & friends, real and virtual. Mixed in was being homesick for Kazakhstan! We were so ready to come back, but a few days later, I missed the simplicity of our life there, our housemates and, of course, our visits with Alia.

My outlook on life has changed greatly because of our stay in Kazakhstan. I am only beginning to understand the many ways how. I do know that I have found peace again in a most unlikely place. The fog of grief and despair from the last few years has finally lifted with the meeting of a little girl named Alia.