I have been searching for a quote by the artist Marcel Duchamp which is taped to my computer at school. No luck so far. Anyway, the gist of it is don't let your opinions or the opinions of others interfere with what you do.
Yesterday, I was reminded of the wisdom of this quote yet again.
A Tooth: Alia
When I think back on yesterday, it seems like Alia was whining all day. In reality, I doubt she was, but that was what it felt like. And, quite honestly and irrationally, I take the whining personally. Despite all I have read and thought about to prepare myself for the first few months home, I still feel unequipped to deal with these feelings of inadequacy and responsibility for Alia's occasional lack of contentedness. In brief, I take the whining personally. No - this is not wise . . . but this seems to be the reflex in that female brain of mine. It says - "Keep the peace. Keep everyone happy at all costs." I read part of this great book that explained this reflex. Historically, women's' survival depended on maintaining relationships, so typically we have this deep-seated need to do so.
So, I hear the whining and my mind ponders entirely too much. "She doesn't like me. She doesn't like it here. I am not doing a good job . . . " and so forth.
Well, guess what I found today? A big tooth coming in . . . one of her front ones. Do you think maybe that is part of the reason she was somewhat cranky yesterday? This is not to say that she is not still adjusting. She is. She will be. But, I do think that the tooth was hurting her.
A Cookie: Luca
Earlier in the week, Luca asked to play with a friend of his this weekend. I spoke with her mom yesterday morning and we made plans to go to a library program (featuring Sir Kwain - one of 200 knights living in the U.S.) in the afternoon, then go have dessert at a coffeehouse. Both Luca and I were excited about the outing. He was happy to be seeing his friend and her mom (who he likes at least as much as the friend) and I was glad to have some time with Luca and our friends. As I have written, he has been so great about Alia. We are trying to make sure he has some time with us and that everything does not revolve around his baby sister.
The library program was great. Luca and his friend sat in the front row listening to Sir Kwain tell crazy knight stories. They went up and knocked on his armor afterwards. They also decorated cardboard swords. Luca was so awesome. I think he was scared of the knight at first. I looked over at him and he was tearing up when Sir Kwain took his place, but then he realized it was safe and he was a good guy. Luca also did the craft enthusiastically, which he typically does not want to do.
All was good.
Then we went to Longbranch and things fell apart. I had no idea why which was scary for me. Luca went from having a good time to completely checking out. He would not do what I asked him to. He would not answer questions or speak intelligibly. He was obstinate and difficult . . . this behavior is pretty unusual for him and it came out of nowhere. I couldn't leave because we got a ride with our friends. So, I tried to reason with him as well as control the situation. This only seemed to make the behavior worse.
When we got in the car, my friend asked how he was doing in school . . . if he behaved like that there. She also said that it seemed like he didn't have any control over what he was doing - that he wasn't acting that way to get my goat. This worried me even more. When Luca started Pre-K, his teacher suggested to us that he had Asperger's Syndrome, which is a form of mild autism. He was tested and found out that wasn't the case, but I have lingering worries.
We got home and I asked him what was wrong - "I don't know," he said. By this time, I am feeling defeated and worried. Alia seemed upset. And now Luca had this strange meltdown . . .
Today he climbed in bed with us at his usual time - yes, around 5:30 a.m. For some reason, this is the time he reveals things to us . . . during the wee hours of the morning.
"Mom, I decided to act silly yesterday because I didn't get a cookie." Yes, of course . . . it was the cookie. When we ordered, he was indecisive. I could have even rushed him. He did not get the treat he wanted. Of course, that was it. He barely ate the mint brownie and hot chocolate that he said he wanted. Luca is serious about his treats. No, it's not autism or some inexplicable involuntary behavior . . . he was pissed because he didn't get a cookie.
All of this is so simple . . . cutting teeth, not getting a cookie. It is really very simple. Stop thinking so much.
P.S. Today is Alia's 9 month birthday! She will be 1 before we know it!
11 comments:
ok I am CRACKING UP over here. That is SO hilarious-as I am reading, my heart is all sad for you-thinking-OH NO,what was wrong? but also thinking--Heck, Kids sometimes just act like that but Luca is such a good boy -and then I get to the end and I am laughing. :)
yes Mommy-don't think so much.
You have very smart, sweet, kids who are HAPPY and LOVED, and hey-i even WHINE and I am VERY HAPPY but sometimes-we just gotta whine! I am not even getting a new tooth either!!
You are such a tender hearted mommy who makes such wonderful food-thanks for the recipes! I will try to be domestic in your honor. :)
I think it's so cute that Luca crawls into bed with you and that's' his "talk time". Sean talks a lot in the car-but now we're all 3 jammin to the Wiggles in the car-(both Sean and I know all the words-scary!) so I will have to make sure that we turn down the Wiggles so I can "get the downlow" cuz at 5:30 am most mornings.. I am off running in the dark and he is still sleeping. :)
Much Love tender hearted mommy. :)
One of the things I have loved so much about all your posts is reflecting on the beautiful simplicity of a child's mind, and reflecting on basic needs. I've also enjoyed marveling at how incredibly smart Luca is, imagining myself intimidated in conversation with him. Somewhere along the way not only do we lose the ability to "stop thinking so much," but we also lose the ability to say, "I wanted the cookie." I have personally messed up many a conversation, if not relationship, by being unable or unwilling to loosen my hold on the reason...to crawl into bed/table/couch/car/cubicle and say, "Dude, I just wanted the cookie." Or maybe I work up such a frenzy that the cookie/tooth is lost even to me. I cannot even recognize much less articulate my pain.
But then every so often my wise and observant friend Angela types up a post and I think...WOW. Yeah!
You are hilarious! It is SO hard not to think through every possible reason for everything, isn't it? Teething and cookies. Ahhh, the simplicity of it all! There always seems to be a simple answer - but I am never sure so I am always going over everything in my head. If only it was easier just to see through all of the "stuff" and get right to the core of it al. Oy! Parenthood!
LOL! I'm finding it is all too easy to overthink everything related to our kids! Thanks for the perspective and the reminder.
Alia is SO happy in all your pictures. What a difference from when you met her. So wonderful to see her blossom. Quite a testament to the family she now has as well. Congrats!
Poor sweet Luca and Alia—but somehow my mind started to wonder somewhere. What comes first, the tooth or the cookie? A cookie without teeth would still taste as sweet. But a mouth full of teeth without a cookie, well that wouldn't work, would it?
I am cracking up with Susan - I think we all do the same thing. I saw a cartoon once that showed a man sitting quietly on the sofa while the wife was going crazy wondering if he was leaving her or if her thighs were too fat etc. etc. and the thought bubble popped up in the guys head that said ("Do I want eggs or pancakes for breakfast?").
In any case, you are right - we think to much so STOP IT.
Sometimes I guess it all comes down to a cookie. I think you have a book idea in here somewhere.
shannon
You know, teeth can be pretty painful, and not getting a cookie is pretty distressing :-)
The moral of the stories though, is so true. Don't overanalyze. So easier said than done. This was my biggest issue when we came home with Rylie. I overanalyzed everything. As I just wrote on my comment on Eileen's blog- everything I did or didn't do, I worried- Am I signing Rylie up for therapy now?!? It is so true... all because of a little tooth and a cookie :-)
I was off by 21 days! :-)
Funny I should read this today. I just wrote to Jim, "Some days I don't wonder if Gigi has a mild form of SPD, but then I think, 'Nah, it's just my messed up parenting ability.'" In reality it's neither- I just think too much.
I hope Alia is feeling better. Popping those teeth through can be so painful. Mirko was up half the night the other night trying to push a molar through. Poor babies.
You are such a patient person. I wish I had more of that instinctual reflex you have to make it all better and keep the peace. I'm sadly lacking in that area. Your reflex though is a big part of why your kids both are, and will be, such great people- little or big.
Happy 9 month birthday Alia and Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you have a great day.
I have to say that the teething process is such a pain in the neck for me. Josh gets awful runny noses and a fever. He is not a happy camper. I am very much looking forward to the day all these teeth come in. Almost there! :)
From my experience, I agree that women are wired to want to make the whining go away quick. Chris can listen to whining way longer than me. I think reading stuff about attachment messes with your mind a little, too. It makes you question so many things that are really just normal kid behaviors that all parents have experienced. Cute photo! You betcha that first birthday is going to come quick. Start your planning now :)
Sometimes when I go to Rhode Island, my friend there hits me with a bunch of questions and worries about his two boys... In the summer, he was worried his littlest guy would have a nervous breakdown when he started middle school (moving from a small school to a big school). He worries a lot that Jesse is overly sensitive and "nervous" (i.e., neurotic). This is the kid that happily walks up to a 100 foot drop off and looks down; doesn't think twice about killing bugs; and spends his time reading sci fi and fantasy... But his dad worries because he absolutely throws fits at his parents and his brother when he's stressed... Well, I managed to make my second trip of the summer happen when the boys started their school year because his dad was pretty worried and wanted me in town "just in case". Jesse was fine. I think he just likes to "throw" his negative emotions at his parents and his brother (especially his Dad, who he is very close to). I figure it means he thinks he's "safe" and can let go, and he does control his feelings a lot when he's around strangers. His dad still thinks he needs therapy. I think he just needs to be encouraged to talk about his feelings more. Such are our "family" disagreements... LOL. I'm glad you figured it all out, though. Kids are wonderful. Puzzling, but wonderful...
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