Why?I read the book Two Little Girls by Theresa Reid last month. It was an honest account of her family's adoption of their daughters from Russia and the Ukraine.
I was struck by a number of things in the book - one of them being her and her husband's motivation for adopting their second daughter. It seemed like it was exclusively for their first daughter - Natalie . . . so she could have someone there for her while she was growing up and when her parents passed away. I found this motivation to be troubling. I think the author even writes in the introduction that they should have had the goal of giving another child a home, period.
As a result, I had to ask myself that question - why are we adopting? Is it to give Luca a sibling? I have spoken with so many only children who find this state to be incredibly lonely. I think that every one of them has said that s/he would not have just one child because of his/her experience growing up. I am sure there are exceptions to this, but I have not encountered one personally. Wanting a sibling for Luca is part of the reason for wanting another child. But, is that it?
Is it because we have lost children? Are we trying to replace them? If our triplets had lived, we would not be adopting at this moment, there is no denying that. So, we have made this choice, in part, because we lost our girls. I do not believe that we are replacing them with this little girl. I had to think long and hard about this one, but I can write this with some certainty. "Saskia" will be "Saskia" - not a replacement for children we have lost.
So, why?
This morning Luca was running around talking about Phobos and Deimos, the moons of Mars. He earnestly told his father that one of them is on a collision course with Mars and the other will eventually spin out of Mars' gravitational pull. Then, in 4 year-old, non sequitur fashion; he told Scott that he ate pancakes for a snack yesterday at school. After that, he bounded down the hall to the kitchen to eat his usual breakfast of Honey-Nut Cheerios with honey milk (regular old skim, but don't tell him that), 1/2 a banana and water.
It was in this everyday moment that a certain surety revealed itself to me. Forgive me if this sounds too fundamental (I hope it is good enough for a judge), but I want to adopt so I can see another child run around our house at 7 a.m. talking about the most random of things. I want the opportunity to love another child . . . to give her a home and a family with whom she can share her news of pancakes or moons or dolls or ladybugs or whatever she fancies.
It is that simple.
18 comments:
I think it's really healthy to examine why we do things. What is motivating us? For me, some days it's about saving a child. Other days, it's my desire to have a family and be the loving, nurturing mother I never had.
In the end, our children will be loved and cherished (and fed lots of pancakes).
I read that book too, I thought it was a really good book.
Sean was always going to be our only child. My husband was 10 1/2 years old than I was, well, i guess he still is, (LOL) and he had 2 kids, 15 and 17 when we got married. He said he wanted me to experience being a mother, but he really only wanted one more. I was fine with that. We had Sean, and i was happy. I thought, there is no way I could handle 2. I wondered how people did it. I was so busy with work and him and my life, i couldn't imagine another one.
Then, my sister had to have her 2nd child. I went to visit her, and fell in love. She was so calm with her 2nd one. Sean was 6 at the time. I came home, and Joe KNEW. We went to dinner (New Years eve) and discussed pro's and con's-and the real reason emerged..WE JUST LOVE KIDS! We love being parents. So, we started our quest to become parents again, and now here we are 3 years later adopting a child from Kaz. Sean is 9, Joey is 27, and Jillian is 25. :) Sean is easy, fun, indepenent, and sassy. It will be different starting over, but I am so excited to love another child. :)
ps. Wow, Luca is really deep! Sean has said some really funny things, but nothing about that before. I LOVE what kids come up with. :)
I think it is a good idea to question to a reasonable amount why you want a child however, I also think (and I could be wrong since I have not had a child biologically) that as adoptive parents we are harder on ourselves on all fronts including demanding of ourselves the reasons .... as if there is this one "right" reason and a bunch of other absolutely "wrong" reasons .... for why we are adopting. At the end of the day for me it is about being allowed to be a mother, having a child I can lavish love,affection, attention, praise, etc. on, and getting to experience what most people say is the most worthwhile endeavor possible.
True . . . True. When you adopt everything is out there - you have to explain everything and give the "right" answers (to the world and yourself). There is something to be said for just being and NOT analyzing so much - what a concept :)!
That's certainly one good reason in my book! Another is - you are giving Luca and the baby each other for whatever reason (and what an interesting child HE is!). And saving a baby's life. And providing her with a forever family and all the love that you can give. She is one lucky baby.
ps - I constantly marvel at Stacy Segebarth's blog where it is so apparent that older sibling Addison has a profound positive effect on baby Haven. It just warms my heart to watch the two siblings be as close as if they were blood-related. Everyone wins.
People say that when you adopt you "save a child" or "give them a better life" which is totally true but I always think in my mind...No, this child will be "saving me" and "giving me the better life". I love myself most when I'm around children. I am the best version of myself in the presense of a child and I want that feeling all the time! Don't know if that's a good enough reason but I've resigned myself to the mantra that I don't care about public opinion anymore...except my agency, Kazakhstan officials, and my little future son!
I was an only child and I want to have at least two children so that my child does not have to do what I had to do and do it alone(primary caretaker of my aunt, mom, and dad, who all died -I was caring for my aunt when I was 24, and she died in my bed, my mom died when I was 29 and dad 36).
I dont want children for the purpose of taking care of me, but if I have a child I want them to be able to bounce thoughts off each other then times are hard.
I suppose the question for me would be why would I want children at all, since I know I want two. For me, I dream of:
giggles in the house,
pitter patter of feet,
seeing the world new again.
I want to:
To see the first taste of lemon
To smell new school supplies
To see "ah-ha moments"
To play without stress
To dance without self awareness
To run withough fear
Suzanne said what I was going to
;-) I love the sound of child giggles!!! Nothing like it. And it is true, us adoptive parents have to explain why we do it when biological parents don't.
I think that's an awesome reason. I struggled to answer that question. Well... that's not a fair answer. It was completely obvious to me. It just is. Not, I just want to, or any other reason about my wants. It just is. It is in the same way the universe comes together, the way the rain falls from the clouds, the way the tulips pierce the ground every spring. It just is. Unfortunately I couldn't use that, so I had to give the, "I want to be a parent" thing. I like your reason much better though!
Yes, it really can be that simple. Thanks for sharing and reminding me that sheer joy comes from the simplest things. Including pancakes on a whole lotta levels! ;)
I do think it's great for kids to have a sibling or two, but certainly shouldn't be the sole motivator for parents adopting a second one.
Funny, it feels like the reasons we are adopting seem both selfish and selfless at the same time.
So true Regina!!! Yes Angela I think that we are asked to "explain" ourselves quite a lot. Last Friday I had two new people come to my house as a part of a woman's knitting group. I had never met them before and they were both nice but at one point I was talkin adoption related stuff to the lady next to me and as they were listening felt the need to explain that I was adopting. The new lady next to me who is a mother of five, works from home as an independant marketing something or other, and has the father watching the kids asks me....And you want to do this, why? Good Lord woman....you have five kids for heaven's sake. You don't understand why a fellow member of your gender would want to mother a child? If you can't figure it out I sure as **** can't explain it to you. Okay, I am calmer now...wasn't really angry about it at the time but felt more flabbergasted by it. My reaction was more along the lines of ...huh?
Do you ever notice people with oodles of kids (SOMETIMES) get to a point where they take them for granted? I wonder if that is where this woman was coming from - you know, "I have lots and lots of kids and KNOW what it is like. You don't want to go there, my knitting friend." But, yes, flabbergasting . . . I agree.
I guess that could be it. That is the generous way to look at it, at least. It kind of felt more like...you are single??? what makes you think you can raise a child.
You are a very thoughtful, honest person and we are quite moved by how much you shared in this post. Thank you.
It is so hard to unravel why we all end up making the choices we make, but in the end, we follow our hearts. It is a wonderful thing you are doing. Wonderful.
Hi there! My husband Phil and I are also in the process of adopting from Kaz (we just got our last apostille today- so I figure we're about 2 months behind you) :). I just wanted to drop you a note and let you know that I also read that book and felt the same sadness for that family that you seem to feel. I'm glad the author was so candid about her feelings, but I can't say that I identified with her too much. Just know there are others out there who are adopting just because they love children :) My husband and I haven't tried to have children, we just felt a call from God to start our family this way- not sure how to explain that one to the judge either!! Your heart is in the right place.
Many Blessings,
Amy Weinmeister
www.journeytokazakhstan.com
Dear Ang,
What wonderful comments. It is good to see that you are not alone in your quest for adopting a little one. I have always known that your reason for adopting was just that you love children and you and Scott have so much to offer a child. I have found myself in a position at times when I felt the need to explain why you were adopting....it was an easy explanation to give. Angela loves children and she wants the opportunity to give a little child a loving caring family. I am so looking forward to being Grandma to "Saskia".
Post a Comment