The Fine Art of Paperwork

Smooth sailing
For the most part, gathering the needed documents for our dossier was not difficult. Our agency does not require a lot. I have a few tips (and debaucles) for any PAPs who are chipping away at their mound of paper.

1. Bind it. I labeled a binder and placed a checklist of documents needed, a calendar for 4 months and plastic sleeves for each document needed inside. I labeled each sleeve with the name of the contents it did or would contain. This helped immensely.

2. Copy (or scan) often. By the time we received our last piece of paper, I had almost everything scanned into PDF format and the copies printed using our home printer. It still took the good part of the morning to assemble the dossier, but it went together easily and in an organized fashion.

3. Be crystal clear. My doctor (and our banker and mortgage company) had never filled out paperwork for an international adoption. Write out detailed instructions for everyone who has to produce a letter for you. See below:

4. Expedite when you can.

5. Read and re-read what you need before you go. I had to get two blood tests because I did not re-read requirements before I went to the doctor's office.

6. Open a FedEx account. This made things so much easier! And, using FedEx is not as costly as I believed.

7. Guard it . . . with your life. We took the dossier with us when we went on trips. You could also keep it in a safe deposit box.

8. Keep track of birthdays. Track the age of your documents using a spreadsheet. Our agency required documents to be less than 3 months old at the time of submission so this helped me make sure everything was within that time frame.

9. Ask when licenses expire (home study agency, doctors). Agencies have different requirements for the expiration of licenses. Find out and ask your coordinator if there is a problem.

10. Ask questions on listservs and to others who are in process. This helped immensely! THANKS everyone!

A Few Ripples
Just a few random, RIDICULOUS things . . .

1. Make sure everything is notarized exactly to your state's specifications. The notary's stamp on our mortgage document did not have a BORDER around it, thus no Apostille for that document. See post written on 10/20. I don't know how I would have know that was an issue. There wasn't anything written about it in the Secretary of State's pamphlet. I guess I could have called, but I doubt that would have revealed too much more. This was not a huge deal. We just had to request the mortgage letter for a third time.

2. The state of Indiana does not Apostille birth certificates issued by the counties . . . they only certify those generated by the STATE. I don't know if I want to waste anymore virtual ink on this one. Why would the state have TWO different birth certificates?! AND, only Apostille ONE?

3. Our I171H took about 7 weeks, which wasn't all that ridiculous. But, the wait was excruciating. We had everything ready to go and all we could get from USCIS was that we were in line.

Basically, it took us 3 1/2 months to gather our paperwork - not bad.

Does anyone have any tips or experiences to share?

Gender bending

Don't you want something else, honey?
I have a confession to make. When Luca asks for anything "girly" I try to tempt him with something else - something that is more gender neutral or "boy-y." But, the fact is Luca loves girls and women. He has been charming women as long as I can remember. The summer he turned 2, we were in our local fruit and vegetable market and he climbed up on to a bench where an attractive young girl sat. He looked up at her with his big blue eyes and a huge smile and said rather boldly "What's YOUR name?" Historically, he has not given men (except his dad) the time of day.

So, why should I be surprised he watches Barbie videos when he visits his grandma. Or that he wanted a plastic Barbie toothbrush holder when we went to the grocery store today. We were standing in front of the kid's bubble bath and I said, "Pick one." And, he chose this silly Barbie toothbrush stand with pink & purple toothbrushes (why this was in the middle of the bubbles, I don't know). I said "no" mostly because I am morally opposed to poorly produced, useless pieces of plastic (not to mentioned the perpetuation of the idea of such a narrowly defined ideal woman), but there was a small part of me that wanted to steer him towards the "Cars" bubbles because they are more gender appropriate. I feel the same about the Barbie video. I don't forbid it, but I don't encourage it either.

What's good for one is not good for the other
I think and read a lot about gender. I wrote my thesis on feminist art. I teach a class about women artists and deal with the image of women in culture in an introductory class about visual culture. When I was pregnant with Luca I mistakenly thought he was a she. I thought about what it would be like to raise a girl in the United States today. I thought about the idealized (or unidealized - thanks, Britney & Paris & Nicole) images she would feel that she had to live up to . . . the limitations she may have to face in her professional career. I worried. But, one thing I did not think about was confining her to gender-specific toys or even clothes. When Saskia comes home, I think I will be proud if she picks the "Cars" bubble bath and plays in the dirt and wears overalls. It seems the society we live in is more okay with girls crossing gender lines. In some ways women have more freedom that way - perhaps because it is a symbolic grab for power.

But, when my little boy reaches for the Barbie bubble bath it is a demotion . . . a step down, so to speak. He looked at the rubber and plastic figure that contains berry-scented bubble bath and said, "Isn't she beautiful?" I nodded my head in affirmation and put her in the cart.

The first trip to the land of Kaz

Translation
Our adoption coordinator emailed on Monday to say that the dossier passed inspection and will be sent for translation by the end of the week. I have to say that I didn't even think of it not being okay. That may have sent me over the edge . . . "I need to get another WHAT?" But, alas, everything was good. It will take 1-2 months for translation.

Errands?
On Monday I picked Luca up from school and we went to Schnucks (a grocery store based in St. Louis that I identify for effect - it usually makes people laugh or furrow their brow at the very least) for a few things to tide us over until I have time to go for a "real" trip. Bananas are key in Luca's life. I really do think his daily banana consumption is one of the reasons why he is so darned healthy. Anyway, from the back seat comes the question, "Will Saskia go on errands with us?" As usual, I am dumbstruck by what is going on in his head. And, again I think "Where did that come from?" It was kind of sweet though . . . him sitting back there thinking of life with Saskia.

Twiddling my thumbs
Okay. Not really, but here comes the question that so many have asked. What to do NOW? I am over the post-dossier-submission glow and am wondering what we should be doing over the next 6 months or so. Can you help me make a list? This is what I have so far:

The stats

First home study visit: 8/1/2007

Dossier sent: 11/21/2007

Size of bundle of joy: 8 1/2" wide, 11" tall, 3" thick weighing in at ~4lbs.

Note: I intended to count the pieces of paper - one completed dossier with 4 copies - but in my excitment to get it out, I forgot. I guess I can just say LOTS of paper.

Number of gray hair: a big clump (speaking of lots!)

Note: I look in the mirror at my shiny gray hairs with much fascination. I don't dislike them. They are something new. I can blame 3 1/2 months of paperwork gathering or my students this semester or . . . gulp! . . . my age.

So, it is with much relief that I report to you that we sent our bundle of joy to our agency yesterday. We stopped in Springfield on the way to my family's house to acquire our last Apostille on the I171H. It meant more time in the car - an 8 hour day - but I was ready to stop guarding that stack of papers from passing glasses of liquid, cups of coffee . . . fire. I was ready for the first trimester to be over - and it WAS like the first trimester. I was so full of fear and hope and trepidation.

And, it sounds like it will take 6 months for our paperwork to incubate into a real, live baby girl. Our coordinator speculates that we will travel in May or June (which would be PERFECT, but I am not counting on it, I swear).

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone - here and abroad (where it isn't even Thanksgiving anymore!). Thanks so much for all of the support - I love the great comments and emails. You have helped more than you know.

Reasons to be thankful this week

• Scott & Luca
• Family & friends
• OUR @^%)_+_)&#@!! I171H!
  
  I wish this post could be more creative and better written but I just don't have the presence of mind to do that because WE FINALLY GOT THAT ONE LAST PIECE OF PAPER! I cannot tell you how relieved I am. I cannot tell you how much this convinces me that this WILL happen. I wish I could explain why this is the point at which I start believing . . . why this point marks the beginning. It just does. And, now, I can allow myself to dream about "Saskia."
  
  I could not be more thankful!

Parenting in the 21st Century

Choices
Someone, a very nice lady, told me that she would like to clone me . . . for my parenting choices. I was stunned. And, in fact did not think she was talking to me when she made the statement.

Parenting today is rife with choices. Who knew? The question of toys with or without batteries did not enter into our family planning discussions. From the day Luca was conceived we have had to make what seems to be a million choices. And everyone - particularly those not currently involved in child-rearing - has an opinion. For brevity's sake, I will limit myself to post-birth choices. Breast or bottle? It seems bottle is akin to child abuse today. Cloth or disposable? Immunizations? Yes? Then, you may be putting your child at risk for autism. No? Then you are putting your child at risk for a whole host of diseases - polio, whooping cough, chicken pox to name a few. TV? Yes? Then your child may develop ADD and/or obesity issues. No? Then you may lose your mind. Toys with batteries or toys without? Our doula likened our Fisher Price Sparkling Symphony Activity Gym to "baby TV" with a grimace. When do you start cereal? Organic or not? Homemade baby food? Jarred? If jarred, what kind? Tummy time? Enough tummy time? TV yet? Computer time? If so, how much "screen time" is appropriate? Dairy or soy? Juice? According to our pediatrician juice is like crack for children. Yet, someone is always trying to give our child juice - other parents, school, etc. Again, who knew? Daycare? If you choose this option, someone may suggest that you are neglecting your child. Stay at home? If you select this option, someone may tell you that your child will be a social outcast for the rest of his life because he did not interact with other children for 8 hours a day at the ripe age of 6 months. Discipline? Yes? Aren't you being a little hard on your child by putting him in time out? No? Why aren't you establishing boundaries for your child? School? When? Home school? Public school? Tiny little hippy school? Montessori (a bit different from tiny little hippy school)? Waldorf?

So, you get the picture. And, I am a person who hesitates when confronted with the question "Paper or plastic?".

In defense of cloning
On Friday, Luca and I went to our local food co-op for our Friday lunch date. Luca always has cheese pizza and an oatmeal raisin cookie and watches the cars outside while he eats his lunch. Upon meeting someone, he often asks what kind of car they drive. He or she may respond by saying "a small one" or "a big one" or "a blue one." But, he wants specifics. A Honda Civic? A Toyota Prius? Isn't that a hybrid? The boy has a passion for cars. Anyway, Luca spilled a cup of water. I calmly got up and asked him to help me clean it up. And, he did. The woman at the next table said, "I would like to clone you." I heard her and smiled and went back to cleaning up. And she said it again with an explanation. She said she would like to clone me because I didn't get mad at Luca because he spilled the water. She said others she has seen get mad and then furiously clean it up on their own without asking the child to take some responsibility and help. I smiled again and said, "This isn't how it always goes." But, then I thanked her - profusely. It was the nicest thing I have heard in a while and it made me feel competent. It is difficult to know whether we are making the right choices and the opinions of (well-meaning) people often make me feel doubtful. But, a little positive reinforcement made me feel like I could climb mountains . . . that we can continue to make the choices that we believe are best for our family.

I suggest telling people they should be cloned often . . . you have no idea how good it will make him or her feel.

TV . . . or piñata?

Me: "Luca, please stop rolling your car on the TV screen."

Luca: "But, if it was a piñata, I could hit it [bangs car on TV screen] and candy would fall out."

How does one reply to THAT?

AH HA!

A few words about the fine art of speculating
When we started this process, I distinctly remember saying to my adoption coordinator that the process would be easy after "all that we have been through." See what happens when one says such things?! EASY. Ha. What I failed to realize at the time was that we are talking about our daughter here - that adopting our daughter would put me on edge the whole entire time . . . that this is too huge not to stress and wonder and worry every step of the way. Easy. Silly me. And, there is a small part of me that does not want to do all that paperwork all over again if our I171H takes 6 months. But, I really need to get back in touch with my organizational skills, so why not? I would love to do the paperwork all over again.

There I go tempting fate again.

Kazacutie & Gigi
I have been reminded recently why we are doing this. Jen and Marshall (see almost all comment sections - they are there encouraging and supporting us and countless other people who are or have adopted) have received the coveted LOI (letter of invitation that the Kazakh government sends to invite prospective adoptive parents to Kazakhstan to meet their child). They described it best when they compared it to the golden ticket from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. This is what we are all working towards. So, they are finally going! A) I want to wish them all of the best on their life-changing journey to meet Kazacutie and B) I want to thank them for reminding me what this is all about. It is not about getting a piece of paper. It is about adopting a child. When I see the bigger picture, everything else becomes pretty simple.

Jennifer and Jim, who adopted their daughter Gigi this past summer, are also a constant source of inspiration. They have carefully chronicled their entire journey with a sense of honesty and reverence. I am happy for them and they give me a glimpse into the possibility of our future life.

I have not really allowed myself to think of our future life with "Saskia" too much because I am incredibly cautious. I realize this cautiousness may be a detriment to getting through the process. I have allowed myself to wonder about things like sleeping arrangements. I was thinking that Luca and "Saskia" could share a room for a while because perhaps hearing another child in the room would calm her during the night . . . because this is what she is used to in the baby house. Any thoughts?

Happiness is . . .

Autumn leaves

"Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn."
- Elizabeth Lawrence

. . . which is what we did yesterday. I was feeling so reflective. I was so close to surrendering to the adoption process (until this morning - more on that later). We had such a good time raking the leaves. Luca loved rolling around in the pile and throwing leaves with abandon. He also went on multiple leaf scavenger hunts (for example, find 20 red leaves with 5 points). It was such a nice day.

Tamales
Scott and I spent the afternoon making tamales. We used the dough from this recipe and two fillings from Rick Bayless's Mexican Kitchen (spicy mushroom chile & black bean). I made the salsa roja from Fields of Greens. Sorry. I am a bit of a food nut. I won't bore you with the rest of the menu. I am happy to report that the tamales were amazing unless you are a 4 year-old. If that is the case, you may say "Bleck!" when required to eat one bite of a "specially-prepared-for-you" cheese-only tamale and opt for the back-up grilled cheese.

A Screeching Halt
Yesterday, I was thinking that, yes, happiness is also a screeching halt in one's life. The screeching halt here is, of course, the adoption process. Here our many pieces of paper sit all dressed up (with Apostilles) with nowhere to go. Wednesday will mark the second week our home study has been at USCIS. I have been doing lots of "why-ing" and "should-ing" and all around "poor-me-ing." This morning I almost cried because I was so frustrated. But, really, I am going to stop now. Happiness can be a screeching halt in the process because this is just how it is. Does that make any sense? One would think that, by now, I would understand that I have very little control over things that happen. I need to remind myself of that over and over and over. Happiness is accepting that I have little control . . .

I can, however, be prepared. Our agency does require that everything except for birth certificates/marriage licenses be less than 3 months old. Almost all of our documents are from September/October except the FBI clearance. I think I am going to go ahead and get the clearance done again just in case.

Kids from Kazakhstan
Have you seen this calendar? Isn't it adorable?!

P.S. I have entered the world of links. Can you tell?