I could probably write a post everyday until we leave. The tone of each post would most likely be completely different - a little like Sybil :). Take this past weekend - I felt nothing but excitement and elation. Every once in a while I looked at Scott with a goofy smile on my face and said, "We have travel dates. We have TRAVEL DATES!" I skipped around town buying luggage and clothes. We had dinner together on Friday night with legal pad in hand so we could make lists and designate tasks. They were days filled with happiness and motivation.But, take yesterday . . . nothing but tears, fears and paralysis. Now you may think . . . I know I definitely think "Isn't this what you have been waiting for? This is it! Check those fears at the door." We started talking seriously about adoption years ago - in February of 2006 to be exact. We have actively pursued adoption from Kazakhstan since early last spring when we contacted our agency and requested that first piece of paper from some government official - our marriage license which was, of course, too old to use by the time we submitted our dossier. We have been anticipating travel dates for more than a year. The momentous event has arrived - this is it and I am petrified.
Why? In a word, Luca.
Luca will stay here with his grandma because it really is the best thing for all involved. He starts (bi-lingual) kindergarten the week before we leave. I just cannot imagine taking him out for roughly a month almost immediately. I don't think taking him on bonding visits is even an option. It would be a rough trip for him and probably a rougher one for us. My rational, analytic brain knows it is the best thing . . . but my heart . . . my heart says something completely different.
I have been away from Luca for - Oh - maybe 5 nights in the almost 5 years we have been lucky enough to have him as part of our lives. He has not gone to day care. The last year or so he has started to do more activities outside of our home like Grown-Up's Night Out a couple of nights a month and camps at our Science Center. But, most of our time is spent together. And, now, we will be gone a month . . . GULP!
I know he will have fun with my mom and this separation will probably encourage some more independence . . . and we are going to meet his baby sister-to-be after all. But this is still so very difficult.
According to Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain,
"The changes that happen in the mommy brain are the most profound and permanent of a woman's life. For as long as her child is living under her roof, her GPS system of brain circuits will be dedicated to tracking that beloved child. Long after the grown baby leaves the nest, the tracking device continues to work. Perhaps this is why so many mothers experience intense grief and panic when they lose day-to-day contact with the person their brain tells them is an extension of their own reality."
That explains it.
12 comments:
I am so excited for you and yet I cannot even imagine how torn you must feel. It seems that with each blessing there comes a challenge. But the blessing is what you will hold in your heart after you have conquered the challenge. Luca will be in good hands, so keep your focus on that. And remember that you can video Skype. It will be awesome! What is the other language he will be studying in kindergarten? That is great. Congratulations on hearing your travel dates!
It ALL makes sense. I didn't even have a child to leave behind when we were prepping to go and I was freaking out and totally petrified - and excited too! It is soooo exciting, but I am sure it will be so hard to leave Luca behind - but you are right, he'll be fine and in the end he'll have a sibling and his mommy!!! Oh, it is such an emotional rollercoaster, this experience! I am just so happy for you that you are in this part now!
That is such a great article, and so very true!!! and, I am taking Sean with us, and I had that same emotional paralyis that you did. We started talking about adoption in April of last year, and had to redo our entire dossier, so it's been about the same length of time. We waited and waited, then got our LOI, and even thought we got the LOI in mid June and travel wasn't until August 1st, I had the exact same set of emotions.
AT first, screaming, happy, called everyone. Then, paralysis set in and I was like stunned, and scared, and thought, NO WAY, I CAN'T DO THIS. It subsided, eventually, and I felt better after I got the major things done (like getting the dossier off and the visa application). I feel calmer now, but, my body tells me otherwise. I can't sleep for one, and other issues I don't care to go into. :)
This is such a huge life changing event. We've been around a long time to read so many stories and build a strong network. IT's been wonderful, and I am grateful, but sometimes I wish I has just naive and obvilious. :)
Sean and I were talking about trip 2. I told him that he would not go, that it would be me and Dad, or me, and a friend of mine. He said that he hopes Dad doesn't go, because a week is too long for him to be away from us.
So, I understand your fears. It will be hard on you, but you can video on skype, and make a big deal about it. He will do well being with his grandparents. It's good for them, it really is. As much as it breaks our hearts.
I have a good friend I met running, whose oldest son just went to college. She is having a hard time and we've been talking about it a lot. It's never easy leaving our kids, no matter what the age, but as parents, are job is to prepare them to go forth and conquer the world.
I'm typing a long message so I will stop now, but know you are NOT ALONE in your feelings, and you will be home between trips, and it will all be good. The anxiety leading up to it just helps prepare us. :)
My thoughts and prayers are with you!!
Big hugs!! You are a wonderful momma. :)
I can't imagine when the time comes to lave our children behind while we go meet our new child. Yikes. My kids are a bit older than Luca, but Luca is a bright boy. He will understand why you are gone. It will give you time to be close to your daughter. It will also be a good time for Luca and his grandma. One one one spoil time before the sibling enters the picture.
Tracy
What an emotional rollar coaster ride this is. I am thinking of you and Luca and wishing for you all to have a good experience as you go through this to add your daughter to your family.
A couple I met while in Kaz used skype and laptop cameras to call home and see their child - their child could also see them. If you are pc savvy or have a friend that is somewhat so they should probably be able to help you get set up. You would need two computers one laptop that you would take with you and one computer that would stay at home, the skype software downloaded onto both computers, and two cameras that you can attach. You would have to create a skype account for yourself and then you can call the US from Kaz for like 2 cents a minute.
I can't even imagine what you must be going through—why it was hard enough time leaving our dog behind.
It seems once you get that elusive letter all emotions seem to break loose. You're happy, scared, confused, anxious, elated, frustrated, tired, happy again, bewildered and on and on. But, in the end, Luca will finally have his baby sister. And you will be a family of 4.
Hang in there,
Karen
Oh, we all know that's going to be TOUGH. Maybe you can look into the communication methods - it might help but I know you're going to ache without him with you.
Shannon
I understand completely what you are feeling, and we took Noah with us. It was a very difficult decision (we had to take my MIL with us LOL) for us to make but in the end we did what was best for us and you are doing what is best for you. 1 month in the entire master plan is just that, 1 month. You (and Scott) and Luca will be focusing on new people and places that his time will fly by.
I am only beginning to ponder such a decision and scenario, and I admit, I can't fully grasp it yet. Or maybe it's that I'm blocking it. Probably both. :-)
Bi-lingual? Wow. Very cool. I was just thinking of Luca this morning as I wrote my blog post (the quadratic equation part). He's such a talented boy. I can't wait to see what a great big brother he will be to his little sister.
CONGRATS!!! I have severe sep anxiety to leave my pooch. and i will only be gone for a week. i hate leaving her so i feel your pain. its 6 weeks and its your human baby. it will be ok,,
I can only imagine what you must be feeling. In your heart you know he'll be fine with grandma and can communicate with him....but I know it's not the same as *being with each other.*
Even though Pat is not my child - but my husband - being separated by oceans is heart wrenching. So I understand that intense worry. I have to admit we're freaking out about leaving our kitties behind. We know that they'll be okay but it is so emotional.
Anyway, while you are separated you both will have your routines taking the edge off and time will fly by.
Eileen
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