Mothers' Miracles

Miracle
Luca is an honest to goodness miracle. He was conceived years after we started trying to start a family. I can't really remember what made us start trying. Scott was still in grad school and we were in our very early 30s living in a 5 room apartment in St. Louis working our butts off. Maybe we were driven by some sort of internal clock or hormones. I did not think much past getting pregnant, which is such a funny thing because I am kind of obsessive about anticipating things. I always want to be prepared. Even after we got pregnant, I did not think a lot about life after our baby was born. I was focused on having a successful pregnancy (a good outcome - medical terminology I became familiar with later) - I faithfully read Sears The Pregnancy Book, but did not think to pick up The Baby Book. I could not think any further than that little embryo.

We prepared for the birth with a 10 page birth plan and a doula (who's job was to go buy me vegetable broth at the grocery store because I had a C-section and we did not need any coaching - just broth that wasn't made from anything that had a face). We had a room, a crib and a larger, safer car. But, I still did not see the baby living with us.

When he was finally born in all his 10 pound glory, I stared over at his swaddled body in the plastic crib in disbelief. There he was - this little person whose knee stuck out of my side for the past few months - finally.

Nothing could have prepared me for motherhood - for becoming the center of someone's universe. It is joyous . . . overwelming . . . amazing. I spent some time in the bathroom crying because I was so overwelmed - the nursing, the sleepless nights, the 24 hour care, wondering if I was doing the right thing, fear of losing him somehow. But, I never wanted anything different. Now, our life together as a family is easy, infinitely fulfilling. And, the bond I have with my son is indescribable.

Another Miracle

Eighteen months later, we were pregnant with triplets - TRIPLETS! Once I got over the shock and found the faith to believe that everything would be okay, everything wasn't. Hope, Meret and Annalisa were born at almost 23 weeks gestation. Their existence was a miracle - it was also unlikely that we would lose them. But, we did.

I think of them everyday. I will think of them tomorrow especially. Three years ago, I was anticipating being their mother. A month later they were gone. As another loss mom recently explained about living with neonatal loss, "It gets different, but you never get over it."

Waiting for Yet Another Miracle

So, here I am, on the eve of another Mother's Day waiting for another miracle. I still don't believe sometimes. I still wonder if we will have the opportunity to parent another child. It is so fundamental . . . an experience so many seem to take for granted, but has proven elusive to so many others.

I wish all of you a happy Mother's Day - whether you have your miracle or are still waiting. Here's to hope . . . and MIRACLES!