Giving Thanks

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, 'thank you,' that would suffice." - Meister Eckhart

A Tooth and a Cookie

I have been searching for a quote by the artist Marcel Duchamp which is taped to my computer at school. No luck so far. Anyway, the gist of it is don't let your opinions or the opinions of others interfere with what you do.

Yesterday, I was reminded of the wisdom of this quote yet again.

A Tooth: Alia

When I think back on yesterday, it seems like Alia was whining all day. In reality, I doubt she was, but that was what it felt like. And, quite honestly and irrationally, I take the whining personally. Despite all I have read and thought about to prepare myself for the first few months home, I still feel unequipped to deal with these feelings of inadequacy and responsibility for Alia's occasional lack of contentedness. In brief, I take the whining personally. No - this is not wise . . . but this seems to be the reflex in that female brain of mine. It says - "Keep the peace. Keep everyone happy at all costs." I read part of this great book that explained this reflex. Historically, women's' survival depended on maintaining relationships, so typically we have this deep-seated need to do so.

So, I hear the whining and my mind ponders entirely too much. "She doesn't like me. She doesn't like it here. I am not doing a good job . . . " and so forth.

Well, guess what I found today? A big tooth coming in . . . one of her front ones. Do you think maybe that is part of the reason she was somewhat cranky yesterday? This is not to say that she is not still adjusting. She is. She will be. But, I do think that the tooth was hurting her.

A Cookie: Luca

Earlier in the week, Luca asked to play with a friend of his this weekend. I spoke with her mom yesterday morning and we made plans to go to a library program (featuring Sir Kwain - one of 200 knights living in the U.S.) in the afternoon, then go have dessert at a coffeehouse. Both Luca and I were excited about the outing. He was happy to be seeing his friend and her mom (who he likes at least as much as the friend) and I was glad to have some time with Luca and our friends. As I have written, he has been so great about Alia. We are trying to make sure he has some time with us and that everything does not revolve around his baby sister.

The library program was great. Luca and his friend sat in the front row listening to Sir Kwain tell crazy knight stories. They went up and knocked on his armor afterwards. They also decorated cardboard swords. Luca was so awesome. I think he was scared of the knight at first. I looked over at him and he was tearing up when Sir Kwain took his place, but then he realized it was safe and he was a good guy. Luca also did the craft enthusiastically, which he typically does not want to do.

All was good.

Then we went to Longbranch and things fell apart. I had no idea why which was scary for me. Luca went from having a good time to completely checking out. He would not do what I asked him to. He would not answer questions or speak intelligibly. He was obstinate and difficult . . . this behavior is pretty unusual for him and it came out of nowhere. I couldn't leave because we got a ride with our friends. So, I tried to reason with him as well as control the situation. This only seemed to make the behavior worse.

When we got in the car, my friend asked how he was doing in school . . . if he behaved like that there. She also said that it seemed like he didn't have any control over what he was doing - that he wasn't acting that way to get my goat. This worried me even more. When Luca started Pre-K, his teacher suggested to us that he had Asperger's Syndrome, which is a form of mild autism. He was tested and found out that wasn't the case, but I have lingering worries.

We got home and I asked him what was wrong - "I don't know," he said. By this time, I am feeling defeated and worried. Alia seemed upset. And now Luca had this strange meltdown . . .

Today he climbed in bed with us at his usual time - yes, around 5:30 a.m. For some reason, this is the time he reveals things to us . . . during the wee hours of the morning.

"Mom, I decided to act silly yesterday because I didn't get a cookie." Yes, of course . . . it was the cookie. When we ordered, he was indecisive. I could have even rushed him. He did not get the treat he wanted. Of course, that was it. He barely ate the mint brownie and hot chocolate that he said he wanted. Luca is serious about his treats. No, it's not autism or some inexplicable involuntary behavior . . . he was pissed because he didn't get a cookie.

All of this is so simple . . . cutting teeth, not getting a cookie. It is really very simple. Stop thinking so much.

P.S. Today is Alia's 9 month birthday! She will be 1 before we know it!

Coming Up on 4 Weeks

Hanging with Dad wearing a sweater my friend Stacey knitted for her

How could that be?

Sorry for the lack of any significant post. Things are going well. Alia is settling in and seems more and more comfortable every day.

I love this photo of her on the plane sitting next to Grandma Jean

Sleeping
Alia is sleeping like a champ. It seems like that is the most common question I get from people - especially other moms. She did not get a lot of sleep on the flights over. They arrived home in the evening. Scott handed her over to me at the airport and she fell asleep almost immediately. She slept all the way home and through the night that first night. She usually sleeps from 8 to 8 with a morning nap (where she is right now) and an afternoon nap. Alia does seem to sleep a lot. Luca did too. I think he was well over 1 before he gave up his morning nap and continued to take an afternoon nap until this summer. But, Alia is also used to spending most of her time in a crib in a hospital where I am sure she did a lot of sleeping. I have also read that babies who are adopted are grieving their old life and overwelmed by their new to a degree, so they sleep to cope.

Yogurt on the first morning home wearing a really cute outfit from Aunt Nicole

Eating
Alia started regularly eating solids when she came home. I cannot believe how quickly she took to being fed with a spoon. She is even learning how to pick up her own food and put it in her mouth (with limited success, but she is getting there). Her pincer grasp is getting better and better.

Last night she ate lentil minestrone that had not been pureed. She easily gums most solids. She has also had kale potato frittata and whole green beans. I continue to be amazed that she doesn't shy away from different textures and seems to have no swallowing issues. She has about 3 bottles of formula a day as well. I am not sure what she weighs now - she was 18 lb while we were visiting her and 20 lb in Almaty. We have not been to the doctor yet. We have an appointment with our pediatrician and FACES adoption clinic in St. Louis next month.

Play
Alia has been clapping the last few days. It is so cute because she basically just hits the back of one hand with the palm of her other. But, she does it so earnestly. She sits on a play mat and sticks most toys in her mouth. She does seem to prefer this big stuffed spider she had with her in Kazakhstan. She also enjoys her exersaucer and Baby Einstein DVDs. Luca also loves these and picks out which one they watch together.

Scott is convinced she has book preferences - Boynton books are in, Jamberry is out.

We have taken some walks and she also likes to do housework with me strapped in the Baby Bjorn.

Grandpa Andy and Grandma Annetta holding Alia for the first time

Emotional Development
The first few weeks Alia was home she seemed anxious and pensive. Her happy babble disappeared and was replaced by a whine. I have to admit that was hard for me to cope with. She was home - I wanted her to be content. I know in my mind that of course she is going to be anxious. How could she not be? But, my heart still hurt for both of us.

Every day she becomes more and more comfortable with us. There are increasingly more smiles. The last week or so she has taken to yelling and squealing happily.

There have been some really difficult moments like this past Saturday night. My mom and stepfather were in town to see us, so Scott and I decided we would put Alia to bed and go out to celebrate our anniversary. Well, she wasn't completely asleep when we left and was basically up with my mom the whole time we were gone. Alia kept it together when she was with my mom, but she refused to go to sleep. When we got home, she just lost it. She was crying so hard that I was scared. She threw up several times because she was so upset. On top of this she has a cold. Anyway, we did not need a trip to the emergency room - which I thought about - in the end. We got her to settle down and go to sleep, but it was scary and traumatic. In retrospect, we should have made sure she was completely asleep when we left. I also realized she had a long day full of new people and stimulus and she was just completely overwelmed. Scott aptly described her state of mind as fragile. We are her constant source of security. When we aren't there she must feel like she is free falling through space with nothing to hang onto.

Overall, she seems to be doing pretty well. All of this is a process - creating bonds, deepening our love and attachment. I just have to remember that.

Big Brother
Luca has been amazing. He genuinely loves Alia and being a big brother. He remains his happy-go-lucky self. "Alia cute! Alia funny!" is a constant refrain of his. I asked him how he felt about Alia being home last night and he said "Good!, but I want to feed her more."

Since we decided not to take him to Kazakhstan with us, I was worried about how he would react when we dropped a little sister into his life. We talked about the adoption, but the physical presence of a growing pregnant belly wasn't there to remind him every day. He had been an only child for so long . . . I wondered how he would do sharing the spotlight. So far, so good.

Thanks for the emails checking on us. I plan to write back soon! Also I will add photos later - Scott has the camera right now.

First Week (or two) Home

Brother & sister (note hand shoved in mouth = teething)

Going for a walk (and Alia thought she was going to escape the attack of the snowsuit here in America - nope)

Polenta anyone? Alia picked up eating solids like she has been doing it all her life. So far, she has had applesauce, Yo Baby yogurt (just like Leeza Serra), squash (a hard sell!), sweet potatoes (she has gotten in the habit of squealing every time she gets a spoonful), avocado, blue cheese polenta, roasted potatoes. Check out the tummy!

I will fill in the blanks later this week!

A New Beginning

Alia and Luca on an historic election night

I can't think of a better event to take place during Alia's first week as a U.S. citizen. President-elect Barack Obama is living proof that the American Dream is alive and well. He and American voters have proven that anyone can succeed in this country regardless of race or ethnicity. This is the country I want to raise Alia and Luca in . . . this is the one. I haven't been able to say that for 8 years.

Pinch me again.

P.S. "First week home" post coming soon!