Luca and I were at the lake this morning and I started thinking about having Saskia with us next year. It is difficult to think past the process of international adoption because it is so . . . huge and all-consuming. But, I have found myself doing this more and more. Earlier this week, I ran into another mom who had just been at an outing with her moms & kids group. I found myself thinking that I could do the group again with Saskia . . . that I should reconnect.It's actually pretty easy to imagine life with a baby again. I can imagine Moms & Tots (UGH! But, I will save this for another post.) and diapers and bottles and interrupted sleep and baby giggles. I can also imagine that "Saskia" will like us and eventually love us. The thing that gnaws and niggles at me is will she always like us or will she like the idea of her birth family and birth country better? Will she be in love with the idea of them? Will she be angry with us because we took her away from Kazakhstan? Will nurture ultimately not matter in the face of the spectre of nature? When she is 5 will she rush into her room, slam her door and scream "I bet my REAL mother would not make me eat 3 bites of lentil soup!"
She may or may not. Knowing me, I will be worried either way. I don't think taking care of Saskia as a baby will be difficult - I do wonder about later . . . when she is aware of all that the beginning of her life was and who she is missing. What will she think?
7 comments:
I emailed my comment to you because it was too personal and raw for me to feel comfortable typing it here.
She will love you, and will love the U.S. Alexa is adapting WONDERFULLY and so will Saskia. I hope they will meet someday ;-)
Love, Shannon
I wasn't adopted but when I was a pre-teen and a teen I'd get upset at my parents at times. I've said things like "I wish I had Kim's parents because they're cooler than you!" OR "I hate you."
I cringe when I think of that now. But I think I always knew that my parents loved me even though I was a sassy girl.
Will your daughter say hurtful things? I don't know? However if she does I don't I believe she'll mean them.
Like Shannon said, Saskia will adapt, bond and love you. I have no doubt!
Eileen
I think your concerns are very valid and I'm sure I would have simliar thoughts, myself. I expect that there will be times when Saskia lashes out at you and says things about her "real mom" or you "not being her mom" etc. And I'm sure those times will be painful for you. But I also think that's a normal thing for a child who is adopted to say. Non-adopted children say very hurtful things, too. I've watched my sister's children (who are not adopted) yell "I wish you weren't my mom-you're so mean and I hate you" then run off and slam the door. hurtful? yes. Normal? yes.
I have several friends who are adopted and they have shared that there were times they wondered about their birth mom, but it was more from curiosity and didn't mean that they don't love their moms. It's natural to be curious about your biological history.And, they also lashed out during puberty and said mean things to their mom and/or dad-things like "I wish you never adopted me" or "You're not my real mom" but in the end, they only said these things out of anger, hurt, frustration, etc. and not bcs they really meant them.
I have no doubt that she will love you and that she will like you and that your life together will be full of fun, laughter, love AND tears, anger and sadness. And that's all very normal. And, if they day comes when she says "You're not my real mom" or something similar to it, I'm sure it will hurt but I also think this is a very NORMAL thing.
And, of course, this is all very easy for me to say because I'm not in your shoes. Again, I do think your fears are justified and rational, but I also think the chances are much greater that Saskia will love you and love her life and family.
(((hugs)))
It is funny (not really)...I have those same insecurities. I guess we all do, and it's a leap of faith and sometimes you just have to step out. Will she have moments when she blames you? Probably, but will she have more moments when she KNOWS who her folks are? Yes. Will she know she is loved, wanted, an important part of your family? Yes. I am really believing that those things outweigh biology in the end.
She will love you. Cuz you are a cool person and Luca is a smart kid. But, sure, i'm sure there will be times when it's confusing explaining it all to her. I think about many of the same things.
I worry about it too. I'm so close to Sean, and we have a very very close relationship, and I worry at times about adding one more to the mix. I realize our family will really change. There are so many things to worry about when you decide to parent children, and adopting children adds a whole other set of concerns.
But, we'll get thru them..."we'll get by with a lil help from our friends"
:)
What's not to love! There will certainly be times when she will say hateful things, as with all teenagers regardless of how they entered our families, but that is totally normal. I wonder about these things too. Will my boys always go through life wondering what happened to their bio mom? In some respects I think that is totally okay for them to wonder. I wonder about their bio moms too. It's all part of it.
I think every adoptive parent has these same concerns, thankfully we have each other!
Post a Comment